«روانشناسی دروغ»
ابتدا باید مرز باریک دروغ گویی را از خالی بندی یا لاف زدن که خود نیز درواقع نوعی دروغگویی است ، متمایز کرد.
اگر کسی از شما بپرسد کجا بودین؟ و بهجای اینکه بگید با دوستانم پارک بودم بگویید رفته بودم کتابخانه!این مصداق دقیق دروغگویی است.اما اگر کسی در مورد داشتن یک منزل مجلل یا داشتن یک خودرو گران قیمت یا مسافرت خارجی که هرگز وجود نداشته برایتان حرف میزند، مصداق خالی بندی و لاف زدن است،زهرچند که این هم نوعی از دروغگویی است ولی در این نوشتار به موضوع دروغگویی درروابط بین فردی و خانوادگی میپردازم که :
چرا ما در یک رابطه دروغ میگوییم؟
چرا ما در یک رابطه راست نمیگوییم؟
چرا فرزندان و همسرمان به دروغ متوسل میشوند؟
یکی از ارکان اساسی در یک رابطه احساس “امنیت” است.بنابراین در رویارویی با اتفاقات و موقعیتها، ابتدا این امنیت را ارزیابی میکنیم: اگر راست بگم تو تحمل شنیدن راست گفتن مرا داری؟ اگر من راست بگم امنیت رابطه ما برقرار خواهد ماند؟ یا اگر راست بگم به من آسیبی نخواهد رسید؟اگر راست بگم من زیان نخواهم کرد؟بنابراین دروغ واکنشی است برای ایمن نگه داشتن یک رابطه است.
رابطه نابرابر و مبتنی براحساس ” ترس” افراد را وادار به دروغگویی و یا راست نگفتن میکند.ترس از آسیب ، تحقیر، سرزنش ، تخریب و توهین. معمولا افراد میگویند:” ترسیدم” اگه راستشو بگویم قشقرق به بپا کند!” ترسیدم” نمره ام رو به مامان بگم منو دعوا کنه!
” ترسیدم” بگم بعدا با من تلافی کنه!
” ترسیدم” بگم این اشتباه رو من کردم اخراجم کنه!
” ترسیدم” بگم با اون دوستم بودم منو بزنه!
” ترسیدم” بگم که کجا بودم با من قهر کنه!
بنابراین احساس “عدم امنیت” در یک رابطه اصلی ترین انگیزه برای “عدم صداقت” افراد است.
پس راست نگفتن براحساس ترس از”زیان” مبتنی است یعنی فردی تجربه کرده که اگر مطلبی درست و واقع را به همسر، پدرو مادرش یا دوست وهمکارش بگوید، بعدا درجمع یا موقعیتی خاص مورد سرزنش و رسوایی و تحقیر قرارمی گیرد وازآن برعلیه خودش استفاده می کنند. بنابراین سعی میکند که از راست گفتن پرهیز کند.
بعضی از والدین با گفتن این مطلب که اگر بفهمم نمره کم گرفتی یا بفهمم با فلان دوستت بودی یا بفهمم که با همسرت به مشکل خوردی یا دعوا کردی من دق میکنم، می میرم، ازت راضی نیستم ! وبه صورت نا خودآگاه به طرف مقابل میگویند لطفا به من راست نگو من طاقتشو ندارم!
بنابراین هرچقدرافراد در روابط اساسی خود مانند رابطه والدی و همسری ویا شغلی، هنر و مهارت گفتگو وارتباط بین فردی بهتری داشته باشند، روابط صادقانه ترو شفاف تری راتجربه خواهند کرد.
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