اعتماد و احترام؛
خط قرمزهای رابطه که نباید از آن عبور کرد!
شک و تردید نیز مانند هر احساس دیگری، یک احساس طبیعی است، اما بعضی اوقات این حس از حالت عادی خود فراتر می رود. شاید شما نیز با افرادی برخورد کرده باشید که نسبت به همه کس و همه چیز شک داشته باشند. این افراد در زندگی زناشویی با مشکلات فراوانی روبه رو میشوند. این بدگمانی در ارتباط با همسر بسیار مشکل ساز می شود به طوری که بسیاری از اختلاف های بین زن و شوهرها معلول این بی اعتمادی ها هستند.
شک از آن موضوعاتی است که در زندگی همه انسانها وجود دارد اما گاهی میتواند حسابی دردسرآفرین شود و زندگی را ویران کند پس باید با آن برخورد کرد. اگر همسری شکاک دارید یا خودتان شکاک هستید یا قصد ازدواج دارید، این مطلب را بخوانید.
دو محور اصلی و بسیار مهم هر رابطهای و بهخصوص در زندگی مشترک اعتماد و احترام است و اگر هرکدام از این دو محور آسیب ببینند ممکن است رابطه کاملا از بین ببرد، در حقیقت این دو خط قرمزهایی هستند که هیچگاه نباید از آنها عبور کرد. به محض اینکه بیاعتمادی در رابطهای بهوجود بیاید رابطه به سمت ویرانی میرود. شک از آن چیزهایی است که میتواند هم احترام و هم اعتماد را در زندگی زناشویی از بین ببرد و بهتدریج پناهگاه امن خانه و زندگی مشترک را به جهنمی تبدیل کند. هرکدام از ما دست کم یکبار در زندگی شک را تجربه کردهایم ولی شک در هیچ کجا مثل زندگی مشترک نمیتواند مخرب باشد.
شک عشق را میکشد
وقتی آدمها همدیگر را دوست دارند، به هم عشق میورزند و به هم اعتماد دارند اما از لحظهای که شک و عدماعتماد و کنترل در رابطهای بهوجود میآید ذره ذره عشق بین زوجین رو به زوال میرود و از بین میرود و دو طرف از هم دور میشوند البته اگر هردو طرف دست از شک و کنترل هم بردارند دوباره میتوانند باز به هم نزدیک شوند چون هیچگاه عشق با نیتهای منفی، عدماعتماد و سوءظن نمیتوانند باهم جمع شوند و در یک جا باشند.
صورت مسئله را پاک نکنید
متاسفانه ترس و نگرانی را در مکالمات اکثر آدمها میبینیم. این روزها وقتی با آدمها حرف میزنیم میبینیم که ترس و نگرانی پشت اکثر حرفها و رفتارهای آنها وجود دارد، در حقیقت از یک چیزی نگران هستند. حال اگر این نگرانیها وارد زندگی مشترک شود، مثلا یکی از زوجین با خود مدام فکر میکند وقتی همسرش از او دور است «مبادا با کس دیگری حرف بزند!»، «مبادا از کس دیگری خوشش بیاید!» و…این مباداها که خود شخص آنها را در ذهنش میسازد همه تبدیل به نگرانیهای جدیدی در زندگی میشوند و فرد برای اینکه از آنها خلاص شود شروع میکند به کنترلکردن طرف مقابل.
با این رفتارها فرد میخواهد صورت مسئله را در بیرون پاک کند، او به سراغ حل مسئله درون خودش نمیرود. در واقع افرادی که سوءظنهای زیادی دارند و کنترلگر هستند در بیرون نباید بهدنبال چاره باشند بلکه باید درون خودشان را درست کنند.
آنها بهخودشان شک دارند
در همه ما یک حس مالکیت وجود دارد، در واقع آدمها نسبت به هرچیزی که دوستدارند نوعی احساس مالکیت دارند و این حس ناشی از یک ترس درونی است، ترس از دست دادن. در حقیقت پشت رفتارهای کنترلگر و سوءظنآمیز ترس از دستدادن وجود دارد. این افراد انگار در وجودشان چیزی را کم دارند و جای چیزی برایشان خالی است و میخواهند به نوعی این جای خالی را پر کنند، در حقیقت رفتارهای شکاکانه و سوءظن آمیز آنها نسبت به بیرون و آدم مقابلشان نیست بلکه این شک نسبت بهخودشان است و به نوعی طرف مقابل و اتفاقات مختلف آینهای است برای آنها تا خودشان را ببینند. وقتی من نسبت بهخودم شک داشتهباشم یعنی به تواناییها و دوستداشتنیبودن خودم شک دارد و شک دارم که آنقدر خوب باشم که طرف مقابل حاضر شود با من بماند. ولی اگر من اطمینان داشته باشم که آنقدر خوبم که طرف مقابل با من بماند دیگر به این نیازی ندارم با رفتارهای کنترلگر طرف مقابل را مجبور کنم که با من بماند یعنی دارای خودارزشی و اعتماد به نفس کافی هستم، باور دارم طرف مقابل به خاطر من در رابطه میماند ولی کسانی که بهخودشان و تواناییهایشان شک دارند، فرافکنی کرده و به طرف مقابل شک میکنند چون میدانند آنقدر خواستنی نیستند که طرف مقابل در رابطه بماند.
یک هشدار
هرگونه رفتاری خارج از رفتارهای مرسوم حدود خانواده بسیار آسیبزننده است و میتواند رابطه و زندگی زناشویی را به سمت تعهدنداشتن پیش ببرد. تعهد از فاکتورهای اصلی ازدواج و یک رابطه است یعنی «من در برابر ازدواج، همسرم و رابطه مسئولم» اما میتوان با انتخاب درست هیچگاه در زندگی مشترک چنین رفتارهایی را ندید مثلا اگر زوجین در همان زمان آشنایی برای ازدواج به شناخت صحیح و درستی از هم نرسیدهباشند و بدون شناخت کافی باهم ازدواج کرده باشند ممکن است بعد از ازدواج از هم رفتارهای مشکوک ببینند یا اینکه حتی بعضی از زوجین در زمان آشنایی نیز رفتارهای شیطنت آمیز و ناپسندی را از هم دیدهاند ولی آنها را ندیده گرفتهاند و بیش از حد مثبت نگر بودهاند در واقع اینجا هشداری است برای کسانی که هنوز ازدواج نکردهاند. آنها باید دقت کنند که مرحله آشنایی بسیار مهم است، بسیاری از رفتارهای شیطنت آمیز و مشکوک را میتوان در همان دوران آشنایی تشخیص داد و باید متوجه بود اینگونه رفتارها نه تنها بعد از ازدواج بهتر نمیشوند بلکه به احتمال فراوان بدتر هم میشوند. مثلا اگر فردی که به خواستگاری شما آمدهاست، بهاصطلاح بسیار دوستباز است و دوست دارد با همه رابطهای باز داشتهباشد، ببینید آیا میتوانید این مورد را در زندگی مشترکتان تحمل کنید یا نه.
زندگی کردن با یک فرد شکاک و بی اعتماد و برقراری یک رابطه ی عاطفی باکیفیت با او شاید کمی سخت باشد. ممکن است شما به خاطر اینکه حس بی اعتمادی همسرتان را تحریک نکنید، مجبور شوید که به فردی محتاط و بدون حس شوخ طبعی تبدیل شوید. شاید با این وضعیت مواجه شده اید که هرگونه تلاش شما برای ایجاد رابطه ی صمیمانه با فرد بی اعتماد، از سوی او به عنوان حمله تلقی شده و درنتیجه او یا از شما بیشتر فاصله گرفته و یا با خشم و پرخاشگری شما را از خودش دور کرده است. بنابراین، هر چه شما وقت و انرژی خود را صرف رابطه ی خود با یک فرد بی اعتماد می کنید، پس از مدتی خواهید دید که مورد اعتماد او واقع نشده و هنوز در اول راه مانده اید.
شاید موضوع نگران کننده تر این است که فرد بی اعتماد و شکاک در صورت احساس توهین و انتقاد ممکن است دست به واکنش های هیجانی و یا حتی فیزیکی بزند.
افراد بی اعتماد ممکن است دائم منتظر خیانت همسرشان باشند، بنابراین اگر با یک فرد بی اعتماد زندگی می کنید، این احتمال وجود دارد که از سوی او بارها و بارها به صورت مستقیم و غیرمستقیم به خیانت متهم شده باشید.
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