دخالت اطرافیان در تربیت فرزند !
تربیت فرزند یکی از مسئولیت‌های سنگین و سخت برای هر پدر و مادری است. حال اگر در تربیت کردن نظر دیگران هم دخیل باشد کار سخت‌تر می‌شود. گاهی اطرافیان به‌خصوص پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها به دلیل داشتن نقش جدید احساس می‌کنند می‌توانند بیشتر در زندگی شما دخالت کنند؛ البته گاهی هم آن‌ها از روی دلسوزی و علاقه در تربیت فرزند دخالت می‌کنند و با این دخالت‌ها تصور می‌کنند به نفع کودک عمل می‌کنند غافل از اینکه این کار عواقبی را به دنبال دارد که دکتر نرگس رحمانی، روانشناس تربیتی و درمانگر بالینی کودک و نوجوان در گفت‌وگو با خبرنگار ایرنا به واکاوی این موضوع و ارائه روش‌های صحیح برخورد با دخالت اطرافیان می‌پردازد.
آسیب دخالت اطرافیان در فرزندپروری
دخالت‌های پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها یا اقوام نزدیک به کودک مثل خاله، عمه، عمو و… می‌توانند آسیب‌هایی را در دو سطح به وجود بیاورند. به گفته دکتر رحمانی یکی از این آسیب‌ها به والدین وارد می‌شود. شما تصور کنید در جمعی هستید و دیگران مادر یا پدر را به خاطر طرز فرزندپروری‌اش مورد سرزنش قرار می‌دهند، در چنین شرایطی والد دچار احساس بی‌کفایتی وناتوانی در تربیت فرزند می‌شود و اعتمادبه نفسش کاهش می‌یابد.
رحمانی می گوید بخش دیگر آسیب دخالت اطرافیان مربوط به روابط زوجین است؛ به‌طوری‌که با دخالت خانواده هر یک از زوجین، طرف دیگر به دنبال متهمی می‌گردد تا تقصیر دخالت دیگران را گردن او بیندازد و همین مسئله منجر به تنش و بگومگو بین زوجین خواهد شد.
بهترین سبک فرزند پروری
به گفته رحمانی بهترین سبک فرزند پروری سبک مقتدرانه است اما گاهی اطرافیان به‌خصوص پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها با دلسوزی‌ها و محبت‌های بیش از اندازه هم به بچه و هم به اقتدار والدین آسیب می‌زنند؛ مثلاً، والدین با همدیگر به این جمع‌بندی می‌رسند که برای بچه زیاد اسباب‌بازی نخرند و در صورت اصرار کودک به خریدن چیزی، به خواسته او اهمیت ندهند اما پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها با برآورده کردن خواسته‌های کودک به‌نوعی این اقتدار و تصمیم والدین را زیر سؤال می‌برند.»
دخالت اطرافیان کودک را دچار تعارض می‌کند
این درمانگر بالینی درباره آسیب دخالت اطرافیان بر روی کودک می‌گوید: «در سبک مقتدرانه، حرف و رفتار والدین ثابت است و هیچ جای بحثی وجود ندارد زیرا والد در کنار اقتداری که دارد به کودک احساس امنیت می‌دهد و کودک خود را مقید می‌داند که به قوانین والدینش عمل کند؛ اما زمانی که پای دخالت اطرافیان به میان می‌آید کودک دچار یک بوم و دوهوا می‌شود، مادربزرگ و پدربزرگ اجازه انجام کارهایی را به کودک می‌دهند که آن کارها در کنار والدین قوانینی دارد. در چینی شرایط کودک با دو فرد طرف است، یک دیو سیاه مخوف و یک فرشته مهربان که هرچه می‌خواهد برایش فراهم می‌کند.»
او ادامه می دهد:« اغلب پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها از اینکه به خواسته‌های نوه‌شان اهمیت می‌دهند و دل او را به دست می‌آورند، خوشحال می‌شوند غافل از اینکه این کار کودک را به‌شدت دچار تعارض، خشم و اضطراب می‌کند و تعاملات بین کودک و والدین را به خطر می‌اندازد.»
رحمانی تأکید می‌کند: «محبت و دلسوزی‌های خارج از چارچوب قوانین والدین توسط پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها باعث می‌شود کودک، والدینش را به خاطر قوانین دست و پاگیر به شکل یک دشمن سخت‌گیر ببیند و اینجاست که کودک تصمیم می‌گیرد به مقابله با والدینش بپردازد و از این پس دیگر آن امنیت و آرامشی که باید از والدینش دریافت کند را نمی‌گیرد.»
بهترین واکنش در برابر دخالت اطرافیان در تربیت فرزند
والدین باید در برابر کسی که از سر دلسوزی یا از سر پرخاشگری در تربیت فرزند دخالت می‌کنند، بایستند: «پدر و مادری که به روش فرزند پروری خود اطمینان داشته باشند، زمانی که دخالتی از اطرافیان مشاهده می‌کنند، می‌دانند که لازم است جرأتمندانه مداخله کرده و مانع دخالت دیگران شوند؛ لذا زمانی که می‌بینید پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ‌ها با قانون‌شکنی‌ها به روش تربیتی شما خلل وارد می‌کنند لازم است در کمال احترام و ادب آن‌ها را از قوانین فرزند پروری خود آگاه کنید و از آن‌ها بخواهید تا کارهایی که تربیت فرزندتان را به خطر می‌اندازد، انجام ندهند.»
رحمانی یکی دیگر از نکات مهم در برابر دخالت دیگران را تعیین حد و مرز والدین در فرزندپروری می‌داند و می‌گوید: «والدین در برخی مسائل می‌توانند به دیگران اجازه دخالت و نصیحت دهند اما از یکجایی به بعد والدین باید با مشخص کردن مرزهای خود این اجازه را به دیگران ندهند که در تربیت فرزندشان مداخله کنند. مشخص کردن این مرزها چیزی نیست که من مشاور بخواهم برای همه یک نسخه واحد بپیچم، این مرزها را خود والدین بر اساس توافقات و طرز تفکراتشان باید مشخص کنند»
تربیت کودک را مختص خانه‌کنید
این روانشناس کودک می‌گوید: «اگر قرار است فرزندتان را دعوا، نصیحت یا تنبیه کنید یا حتی به او پاداش دهید، بهتر است این کار را در فضای خانه انجام دهید زیرا این کار اقتدار شما در آن کاری که قرار است انجام شود را به‌شدت بالا می‌برد اما وقتی شما در جمعی هستید که به‌واسطه غریبگی یا نزدیکی مخاطبتان نمی‌توانید کنترل کامل محیط را داشته باشید، پس بهتر است در آن زمان هیچ مداخله مربوط به تربیت را نداشته باشید چون احتمالاً اگر بخواهید کودکتان را دعوا کنید چند نفر با پادرمیانی مانع چنین کاری خواهند شد؛ اینجاست که کودک با خود می‌گوید پس می‌توان اقتدار پدر را زیر سؤال برد یا قوانین مادر را شکست! بنابراین بهتر است تذکر، دعوا، تنبیه و… را در خانه با کودکتان مطرح کرده و انتظارات و قوانینتان را به فرزندتان گوشزد کنید.»
کودکان لجبازی که اقتدار والدین را زیر سؤال می‌برند
گاهی کودکان به دلیل لجبازی، قوانین والدینشان را زیر پا می‌گذارند یا از آن‌ها حرف‌شنوی ندارند: «در چنین شرایطی والدین باید با مراجعه به مشاور کودک به تعارضات درونی بین والد و فرزند رسیدگی کنند؛ زمانی که این تعامل به سمت تعامل مثبت پیش می‌رود، اینجاست که فرزند می‌تواند از والدینش حرف‌شنوی داشته باشد.»
این روانشناس کودک توصیه می‌کند: «والد و کودک تا زمایکه تحت درمان قرار دارند از رفت‌وآمدهای طولانی‌مدت که منجر به دخالت اطرافیان می‌شود، خودداری کنند. در کودکان 2 تا 6 ماه زمان لازم است تا یک رفتاری در آن‌ها نهادینه و تبدیل به یک عادت رفتاری شود، بعدازاین زمان شما می‌توانید آزادانه و به‌تدریج ساعات حضورتان را در شرایطی که قبلاً قابل‌کنترل نبوده، ایجاد نمایید.»
توصیه‌ای مهم به والدین
به گفته رحمانی، در هر رابطه‌ای انگشت اتهام باید به سمت خودمان باشد، به همین خاطر نمی‌توانیم از دیگران انتظار داشته باشیم که در تربیت فرزند ما دخالت نکنند بلکه باید به دنبال این بود که من باید چگونه رفتار کنم که فرد مقابل این اجاره را به خودش ندهد؛ در جهانی که ما زندگی می‌کنیم آن‌قدر آدم‌های متفاوتی وجود دارند که ما هرچقدر از آن‌ها بخواهیم دخالت نکنند، شدنی نیست؛ پس ما باید چه‌کار کنیم؟!
او توصیه می‌کند: «قبل از اقدام به بچه‌دار شدن بهتر است بررسی کنید که با توجه به شرایط چطور می‌توانید یک فرزندی تربیت کنید که در کنار شما احساس امنیت کند؛ اینکه سبک فرزند پروری مقتدرانه چگونه است. گاهی والدین اقتدار را با سخت‌گیری یکسان می‌دانند درحالی‌که این‌گونه نیست. لازم است والدین برای اجرای قوانین انعطاف داشته باشند، یکجایی وقتی می‌بینند کاری شدنی است صد درصد روی حرف خودشان بمانند و در کنار آن نیاز به توجه و دیده شدن فرزند را ارضا کنند زیرا اگر این نیاز ناکام بماند می‌تواند زمینه‌ای برای ایجاد اختلالات بعدی در کودک را فراهم کند.»
این درمانگربالینی در پایان تأکید می‌کند: «اگر والدین در شرایطی قرار دارند که نمی‌دانند چطور باید با فرزندشان رفتار کنند، توصیه می‌کنم حتماً از مشاور کودک کمک بگیرند تا بتوانند بهترین واکنش را نسبت به فرزندشان داشته باشند و فرزندی ازلحاظ سلامت روانی را پرورش دهند.»
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